Letters Written With My Unshed Tears
by A x Stupid x Lamb
Summary: Edward wrote letters to his mother during a trip to her grave and many after that. He poured his heart into them and asks questions that will never recieve answers. This is what he wrote on them many occasions. No longer a one shot :
1. Chapter 1

Mother,

So many things to say and yet you'll never hear them. This letter is to you, mother, to tell you how life has been for me ever since you sent me into the care of Carlisle. At first, I did not understand, I thought you had grown to insanity. After all, never in all my wild fantasies could I believe what he is, what I am, a vampire.

I was ready to go to war, patriot as I was. I don't now how my life would have panned out had that been my course of action. I would probably have died in the field of battle a lonely man, never to find love. Oh, but I have found love now, mother, and glad of it I am to. Isabella is her name, but she is more accustomed to just Bella. She fills me, completes me and at the same time frightens me. If she leaves, I will become no one, a worthless roamer in this lonely world, and I am anxious at the perils that sort of a life brings. Alas, I say this and yet a small twinge at my ice-cold heart reveals that I must let her go for danger holds her to me. Some will protest and say that it is love, not danger but my stubborn mind can't, no, won't listen to them. Every year it seems something else is out to wrench us apart and I cannot bear the thought of losing her. As a child you would try to shield me from the dangers of the world and now it seems they are coming at me tenfold no, not me, us. We are one and the same, inseparable. Did you love father? I do not understand the female mind, even if I can read them so please send me a sign to tell me the answer. I hope you did, I hope you got to experience the joy it brings, the feeling that you are complete, whole. I spent 107 years without that, yet every second without it was worth it, because I felt it with a potency I never dreamed possible.

Your grave is still intact; I have kept it so. Every year I return and place a new bouquet of flowers for you. The rest of my new family don't know that, I would pretend to go on a hunting trip but always give myself enough time to pay my respects. You died to young, mother, and I miss you so. If you were here you would probably say it was gods will and he wanted you yet I disagree; why would he take all the good people out of the world and leave all those who deserve death to remain.

Unless...

Unless life is meant to be a curse to inflict on those who he chooses, is that why I remain alone, without you and father? I want the girl yet can't have her; it is such a hellish existence. Am I destined to forever walk the lonely life of vampirism, never finding true love? Are my sins so great that I deserve that? Oh, so many questions but no one to answer them. You are the only one who could tell me yet I am torn from you for eternity. Never to see heaven or it's inhabitants. For I am a soulless wretch now, Carlisle saw to that. Yet, do not get me wrong, I love him for it, for he brought me to her... Bella. But for her there is a price to pay, if it is my soul then so be it, she may have all of me. However you keep my soul, I give it to you.

We are all soulless, vampires I mean, how can we not when we kill so mercilessly? Yes, I have killed, and I am not proud of it, I believe I have broken almost every commandment there is to break from doing so. No wonder I am to stay here on earth, and live the lives of all those I killed. Repay my debt year by year.

I must depart, I have run out of time, Carlisle will be expecting me back soon and I have to travel a few states yet. I'm sad to say I will not be returning next year, or the year after for that fact...forever. I will never return. It's finally time to let you go and leave you in peace.

Farwell mother, send my love to father for me, I love you.

Your eternal son

Edward

I read the letter one more time before folding it and placing it by my mother's grave. My eyes remained dry as they always would as I turned to leave. I placed the pen I used in my pocket, took one last look at the grave and bid her farwell.

"One day, I will find peace to." I muttered, and began to walk away. "Goodbye, mother, find peace with father, it was nice knowing you for the time I did. Even though the memories are dim. I let you go now." And then I left.

I never returned to the grave of Elizabeth Mason.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Mother,**_

Is everything in life meant to be so heart breaking? I left her, my Bella. With all my heart I wish I could remain with her but I cannot. All I bring with me is misery and suffering. I was playing a game with her. We both knew we could not coexist in the same world; we are too different, so I took myself out of the equation…

…And it feels like the world has crashed and burned.

Everyday I am drawn closer to her no matter how long I try to deny it. She's my reason for being, my gravity, she keeps me sane.

I have become the very thing I despise, a cold hearted, self-loathing monster. I've gone back to what I was before I met her, empty. Yet this is the way it must be, to keep her life, for she attracts everything that is bad for her. Yes, myself is included, me and every god-forsaken vampire on this planet. She almost transformed into what I am, hunted, cornered, and tortured…all because of me. What kind of lover brings that upon the person they are meant to cherish? Until death do us part indeed. Every second I was with her I feared for her life, weather it be at my own hands or another's. So what option did I have but to depart, never to speak to her again?

I got to know her mind, the short time I was with her. And what I feared was realised, she wishes she were a vampire, I can see it in her chocolate gaze. Why? Why does she want to be a cold hearted, soulless animal? And how could I inflict that on her? Break her down and rebuild her as a killing machine. How low would I have to sink? My heart and head are battling it out about this decision to leave. My heart is saying this is for the best yet my head contradicts and say I am a fool, what if she is attacked while I am so busy loathing my choices? Don't I owe her my protection after I caused her to become number one on a vampire's hit list?

If all perished and she remained, I would still be content.

But if she perished and all else remained, I would be destroyed.

Oh what a tumultuous life… A never-ending life… A half-life… A cursed life. It is a life I will regret until the very end. I now know that this is most certainly hell, for who deserves to feel such conflict unless they have done something to merit it? Yet do not fear for me, Mother, for I have deserved this.

Now you are probably wondering why I am writing to you again after I said I would leave you in peace. Well I do not return to your grave, instead I keep a small box placed under a few floorboards in my room. And when I am lonely I write to you, for you are the only person who is always truly there. My silent messenger. Angel, you are my angel. The one constant in my life. I cannot quite let you fully go yet. Each thread I cut between you and I makes me want to fall to the floor and cry, for I feel like I will loose you forever. These letters I write, each one is written with my tears I want to cry, the tears that will never fall again. For I fill these pages with all my heart wrenching emotions…

…And I don't think I can bear it. I feel like I will never live again, that this is not Edward, but a lifeless, empty reflection. An impostor. Yet my throbbing heart tells me otherwise, that his is still Edward, but I just have to find him again. Maybe you can help me search for that boy you raised to be so happy. It's a lot easier to be miserable then it is to be happy. To be happy you have to look at what you have, not what you have lost, which is so hard knowing what you lost is what was keeping you alive. Love is never like a fairytale, it never finishes with a happy ending, only death. I imagine myself in this box where I just seem to disappear. I want my heart to go and choose before I go ahead and loose what I've already lost, my family distance themselves from me, fearing to anger or upset me. So I just left and found an apartment to wallow in to save them the torture of watching me suffer. I shall suffer in silence.

And I'm sorry you have to watch…

Your conflicted son,

**_Edward._**

I placed the piece of paper into the box and ripped up a few of the floorboards of this apartment and left the box in the new hole. I placed the floorboards back over, no one will know, but me… and my mother of course. She will never reply but I know she listens ands that's good enough for me.

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Hey guys, I hope you enjoy this new chapter, this was intended as a one shot however due to your lovely reviews I decided more is what you asked for :)

I hope I conveyed the right attitude for edward here. :) Review and tell me what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Mother,**_

This is the end.

Finally, after so many years, here it is.

My death.

At last, my happy ending. Have I finally done something right to deserve release from this so-called existence?

But the price I had to pay shatters my heart. Bella has left this life too, which in a way makes me happy for I have come to believe that life is for those who have committed treachery and sins beyond forgiveness, being kept from heaven and all who reside there. She doesn't deserve that. However we have eternally been parted from each other, never to see that chocolate gaze lift my spirit again. Never to see them cheeks turn rose as she blushes.

The killing me part is that I caused her inevitable demise because I left her; she took her own life out of pure misery and betrayal just because I was foolish and selfish enough not to change her.

So why is this my death?

Because I cannot, and will not, live without her to put the stars in the sky at night. You know that feeling when you just have nothing left in you to fight for? Did you feel that in the final stages of the influenza? The pain, violence and sorrow of the disease wracked your poor form and instead of enduring a single moment longer you just simply… gave up. The fight left you and you embraced death with open arms. Is that how it went?

I seek death in any form it may be. The Volturi may grant me my final request of destruction.

I sob for hours on end, yet, as many times before, nothing falls. I doubt anything would anyway; I would have no tears in me left to shed. And I now realise happiness is just an illusion. There is no happiness in life, it all ends in heartache. It is full of deception, I'm glad you didn't have the chance to experience the bitter after effects of love. So get ready to greet me in heaven, Mother, and tell Father I shall arrive as well.

I will go to heaven won't I?

I must be where Bella is and in no way would she be banished to the fiery pits of hell.

How will god punish me for everything I have done? Whatever is decided to be done with me I will accept it and not retaliate for I am a monster and should be treated as such.

So it is settled, I must guarantee my death. So what if they refuse to kill me. Carlisle told me Aro, the leader, was a collector of powers… mine may come in handy to him, which means he wouldn't willingly tear me apart. I need a backup plan. The only thing the Volturi will kill over, the one crime among us vampires, is exposure and being too conspicuous, the one thing that means certain death. So I shall step into the sun, and the bystanders can watch as I reveal my skin designed for the hunt and luring prey. It will all be over in seconds; I probably wont feel a thing.

So I write one final letter before I head to Italy and I will keep it in my breast pocket, right by my heart, until the very end and the sun causes my downfall. How ironic. A vampire, meeting the sun, and will die from it. It appears the myths are true.

Mother,

Father,

Bella…

I will see you soon,

Your heartbroken son,

**_Edward._**

I shoved the letter into my tattered shirt pocket, just like I said I would, and booked the next flight to Italy. This was the end of Edward Cullen. I will make sure of it. No, this is not Edward, he was lost when she left this world, I will make sure of the death of this thing I have become. And my mother would help me see it through. Carlisle… I'm sorry; you didn't deserve me as a burden. I will make it up to you now.

I then set out to meet my destiny.

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Hey, I literally wrote this chapter within the last 45 minutes so I hope it is what you're looking for. It's a bit shorter then the rest but hopefully it's quality not quantity right? lol Please review!


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